Mythbusters... Infertility style!

 

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and because this topic is near and dear to my heart (also because I have been a slacker with my blogging since the start of the semester) I thought I'd share some thoughts.

First off, I'd like to address one of the most prevalent (and annoying) infertility myths... I'm sure you've probably heard it and maybe even uttered it before: "If you just relax, you will get pregnant!"

According to Dr.Alice D.Domar of RESOLVE,  
"If only it were that easy! The fact is, the vast majority of individuals who have infertility have a medical reason, not a stress-related one. Upwards of 90% of all infertility cases are caused by physical problems.  In the female partner, the major causes of infertility are absent or irregular ovulation, blocked fallopian tubes, abnormalities in the uterus, and Endometriosis (a chronic painful condition where tissue from the lining of the uterus migrates into the pelvis and attaches to the reproductive organs).  The male partner can have issues with sperm production which can lead to too few sperm, sperm which can’t swim correctly, and abnormally shaped sperm. 
Where the stress/infertility connection may come in tends to be after one has been trying for a while, and the stress of not conceiving easily may then contribute to the problem. But there has never been a study which shows that simply relaxing increases pregnancy rates."

While I have heard quite a few other doozies, this one absolutely wins the "Say that to me one more time and I will punch you in the face!"-award. Let me tell you why. It implies that we don't know what we are doing (or our very expensive doctors for that matter) which in turn implies that our childlessness is somehow our fault, because come on... if you haven't gotten pregnant yet, you MUST be doing something wrong right? WRONG! See the above quoted paragraph.  
 In my case, I have Stage 4 Endometriosis and PCOS, so no amount of relaxing is ever going to fix my innards and undo the damage of almost 20 years of built up scar tissue. It's like telling someone that's lost a limb, "If you just relax and quit trying so hard, it'll grow back!"  You see what I mean about the punch you in the face thing? Now, before you start telling me about your friend that tried and tried and couldn't get pregnant for like 6 months (oh the HORROR, what an agonizing wait!!!) but then she stopped trying so hard and *POOF* she got pregnant the next month... Yeah, I've heard the story. Please bear in mind that those stories are usually the exception, not the rule- especially when dealing with true, diagnosed infertility. Trust me, for every woman that got pregnant after taking a cycle off, there are hundreds of us that were not so lucky. So yeah... it's annoying and hurtful, and more often than not completely erroneous... so don't say it... to anyone... ever. And if you do and they punch you in the face, don't say I didn't warn you! :)

Now, for all my LDS peeps out there... I will modify the above myth to one that is bandied about church all too often... and yes, I say this from first hand experience. It comes in many shapes and forms, sometimes spoken outright but often times implied... " If you just had more faith/lived more righteously, you would be blessed with a child." Oh how that raises my hackles! I don't think very many people mean for it to come out that way, but it does... and it's one of the most hurtful things one could say/imply (intentionally or not) to a couple that is doing their best and for whatever reason cannot conceive. Obviously family is a big deal to us Latter Day Saints, and while there is nothing doctrinal about those with bigger families being better/more righteous than others, there is certainly that Mormon Culture stigma. Now imagine, if you will, having to deal with all the insecurities and pain that the non-spiritual aspects of infertility brings and then tack onto that being made to feel less worthy or somehow undeserving of Heavenly Father's blessing of motherhood/fatherhood. That right there has been, for me, the most painful and soul-crushing part of my struggle with infertility. First feeling like a failure because my body refuses to do one of the most amazing and miraculous things for which it was created to do. Then the feelings of doubt and wondering what I must have done to make God not trust me with a child when every day scores of babies are born to abusive and neglecting homes. I know I would make mistakes, but would I really be worse of a mother than them? These are the deep, dark, ugly spiritual corners infertility makes you face.

Now, the truth of the matter is that NO, of course being infertile does not make you any less valuable/loved in the sight of Heavenly Father. It took me years to finally truly KNOW that even though I thought I knew it all along. And no, of course we did nothing to deserve this, just like the Savior taught in John 9:1-3 :

 1  And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was ^ablind from his birth.

 2  And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this ^aman, or his parents, that he was born blind?

3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the ^aworks of God should be  made ^bmanifest in him.  

While infertility has been the biggest trial of my life thusfar, it has also been one of my biggest blessings. I have been humbled over and over and have had to grapple with so many personal demons. It has only been through the healing power of the Atonement of Christ that I have been able to face and deal with it all. I have come to accept that DUH... bad things just happen to good people sometimes (and vice verse) but that God never leaves us comfortless in these trials. I have been stretched uncomfortably over the years, but I know that it is His will and His way of preparing me for greater things than I can even begin to comprehend. I am grateful for the Gospel in my life, and the peace it brings me when nothing else can calm my fears and quench the yearning of empty arms. This month's Ensign has a wonderful article on infertility and faith, check it out here!

Now, I know what you are all wondering after all those warm and fuzzies... Do I still have my bad days? Yes. Do I still (inwardly) roll my eyes at pregnant women complaining about all those aches and pains and projectile vomits that I would literally chew my limbs off for? Absolutely! Do I even sometimes still have to supress the urge to punch someone in the face when they speak without first thinking? ALL the time... but at least I don't, right? That's gotta count for something! ;) 

To learn more about infertility, click here.

To learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week, click here.


PS> If you made it this far, cuddos and thanks, it means a great deal to me! :)

Good Things To Come

I stumbled upon a great quote today that just resonated with me and for which I am grateful to have finally listened to:


Now that I am just weeks away from starting clinicals for my RN program, I am starting to see just how true that statement is. It's been about a year and 1/2 since Ben and I put a stop to all our fertility treatments and I embarked on this journey of acceptance. I knew it was what needed to be done after more than 3 years of pushing and pleading for something that was obviously not in God's plan for me right now. Giving up control and handing it all to The Lord has been one of the toughest trials in my life, but I have to say... what everyone tried to tell me is true. I just had to get back to living to realize it myself.

I still look forward to and yearn for motherhood, that is not a dream so lightly cast aside. I admit that certain days of the year are still a challenge for me, but its getting easier. I am grateful for the doors Heavenly Father is opening up for me that would more than likely have remained closed had I gotten what I wanted so many years ago. Some day I will be a mommy. It may not be exactly how I planned it (well, that's obvious by now!) or when I think would suit us best, but I have faith that someday it will happen. In the meanwhile I appreciate the time I have to grow and learn and prepare for that blessed event.

Below is a video that a dear friend shared and I thought I'd pass it along as well. I saw it just shortly after stumbling upon that quote (above) and it tied in quite nicely. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and the strength He gives me to keep walking down this long road to motherhood. It's a comfort to know that I am never alone and help is always there when I need it.

Endo, Endo, bobendo...

March is Endometriosis Awareness month! It has been my experience that not many people really understand Endo or what it does to people (women). As one of many women that suffers from this hormonal/reproductive/immune system disorder I always jump at the opportunity to talk about it and share my experiences. Unfortunately I am part of that group of women that went 10+ years without being diagnosed correctly (we are a majority unfortunately) all because of the still all-too-common misconceptions regarding Endometriosis... even amongst physicians, sadly enough!

This being a "womanly" disease (as I've heard it be called, I kid you not) I guess not everyone feels comfortable talking about it. I used to be one of them and then I realized that it was partly because of this "taboo" attitude that many have about it that it is still as unknown and misunderstood/diagnosed as it currently is!

Endometriosis has not put me in any grave danger, nor will it kill me. For that I am very grateful. It has, however, stolen much from me. Had I known how much trouble, pain, money, and time it would eventually cost me, I would have been less embarrassed and more proactive and demanding of my doctors YEARS ago.

Had I been diagnosed in my teens (when all heck broke lose for my body) I truly believe my life would be very different right now. It would have saved me from much pain, many useless trips to the ER, missed days of school/work/life, and most importantly... I would probably be a mommy by now. I wish Endometriosis had been mentioned to me. I wish I would have had at least a clue as to what was wrong with me instead of being patted on the head, told it was "normal" and handed a bunch of pain meds... For this and many more "I wish"-es, I try to be that person for others.

I could go on and on about this forever, but as I have a mountain of homework and dinner to fix, I will keep this post short. Instead of posting a humongous amount of information that may or may not be read, I will pose this question: What (if anything) about Endo would you like to know? Go ahead, ask away! I will answer any and all questions to the best of my ability, whether with plain old info, my own experiences, or both!

Argh...

This weekend was a rough one. I had to work and thanks to the blizzard on Christmas Eve (Thursday) not many people could get to work. This meant we were severely short staffed. Some nurses had worked 20 hour shifts, sleeping at the hospital because they were stranded and the ones that were supposed to come in couldn't get out of their driveways, much less drive there. When I got there Saturday morning I was greeted by some grim faces and told that I would be 1 of only 2 NA's that shift. There are usually 4 of us. That meant I had double the patient load... yipee.
Mind you, this was only my 2nd day post training, without my trainer. My first had been earlier that week and horrendous, but that's another story.

Anyway, the patients were also cranky, since I'm sure spending Christmas in the hospital is no fun... especially when there is a nursing staff shortage and they probably had to wait forever for everything. On Sunday afternoon, there was one particularly disturbing occurrence that had me wanting to choke myself with the nearest nasal cannula. I went into the room of a patient to answer his call light for the umpteenth time. (He was one of those patients, you know?) The following conversation ensued-

Patient: Blah blah blah... are you married?
Me: Yes sir, I am.
Patient: How many kids do you have?
Me: None, sir.
Patient: None? How old are you?
Me: I'll be 29 in a few weeks. (At this point I steeled myself for the lecture I knew I was about to receive from this 80+ year old man)
Patient: Well you're almost 30! Don't you want any children?
Me: Yes sir, I do.
Patient: You better get a move on then... Don't you think it's about time?!?!
Me: (Trying hard to not betray the boiling fury bubbling up in my head) Some day *fake smile*
Patient: Well, doesn't your mom want any grandkids? I bet she does.
Me: Oh, she has plenty to keep her busy, sir. Three and another one on the way.
Patient: Hmph... well, you're not getting any younger, you know!
Me: *Fake smile and nod*

It's been a while since I last had that outright of a rebuking for my childlessness from a complete stranger. Of course he had no idea... nor was I about to tell him of our struggles as it was none of his business... It just sucked and made my already bad weekend even worse. I'm proud of myself for not flipping out as I was already teetering on the verge from the stress of the workday and being sick with a nasty stomach bug.

Go me :)

Hold them tight...

This is going to be a depressing post, just a warning. Much like this one last year, so again.... I don't want to kill anyone's buzz... read on at your own risk.

Sometimes life just stinks. No worries, all is great here (with us). I'm referring to the never-ending battle and up's and down's of infertility and infant loss. Once again I am reminded of how fragile hope can be, how quickly it can be squashed, and how never-ending this painful journey can feel. A friend of mine (fellow Endo sufferer) just lost her baby. This after years of infertility, several miscarriages (one just earlier this year) and multiple rounds of IVF. This was supposed to be it... the "sticky one" (as we refer to BFP's that hang on) the one that made it. She was well into her 2nd trimester, past the danger zone... her baby a boy. Then, just a few days before Thanksgiving, baby Wyatt passed and she was induced to deliver her teeny tiny angel. A few days later, as if by some cruel joke, she started lactating. Now, a week later, she's found out part of the placenta was left behind and is having to take some medication to expel it, otherwise it will mean another surgery... of which she's already had plenty this year. When is enough, enough?

I know that we are sent here to be tried and tested and that we'll never be given more than we can handle. Sometimes however, I marvel at the amount of pain one is called to endure. After all that... and still no baby to hold. I can't even begin to comprehend her suffering, and I've had my fair share these past 4 years since we decided to try and start a family. My heart aches for her and her dear hubby. Things like this make me wonder if this is what awaits me if and when we finally conceive. How do you get back up from that? I don't know how I would.

I have no children to hug tonight, but those of you who do, hold them close and remember that even when they're driving you bonkers, keeping you awake all night, and making you want to rip your hair out... they are the hugest blessing one could ever ask for and they're all yours forever. You are rich beyond all imagination, my friends.

Jigsaw puzzles and eternal perspective

Yesterday was Stake Conference, and as always the talks were great. As it goes with these things, there was one particular talk that struck very close to home for me and was exactly what I needed to hear at the moment. (Don't you just love that?) In one talk, the subject of jigsaw puzzles was brought up and how they are very frustrating. I immediately connected with the sentiment, as I too hate them because I get so flustered and have little patience with them. He went on to say that many times he is tempted to grab a piece and snip it with his scissors to make it fit, rather than keep searching mindlessly for the actual puzzle piece that really belongs there. (Again, something I myself would do if left alone with a puzzle) Then he compared that to our lives. Sometimes we get these odd pieces that we don't quite know what to do with, and in frustration, we want to "force" them and mold them to what we want them to be like. In doing so we forget that while this may be a short-term solution, in the end the big picture (completed puzzle) won't come together the way it should!

As most of you know, for the past 4 years, I've been struggling with a particularly stubborn puzzle piece in my life... infertility. For over 3 years Ben and I tried to "cut and mold" that piece so that it would fit the way we wanted it to... we did countless rounds of fertility treatments, surgeries, etc. I pushed and pleaded with Heavenly Father to grant our desires NOW. After all, isn't having children a righteous desire and an essential part of the Plan? It became an obsession, a battle of wills, and I forgot to trust in His will and His timing for our little family. Eventually we came to the realization that it was time to stop pushing and let whatever is meant to happen, happen. My health was failing, we certainly couldn't afford the next and final step (IVF) and so after much prayer and internal battles with myself, I decided to just let it go.

This decision has allowed me to pursue other dreams I had forgotten I had. I'm back in school working on my RN, which I'm sooooo excited about. I haven't been this excited about something in so long, and it feels good to be back in school and accomplishing something, rather than feeling like a big fat failure month after month, year after year. I have been sure and at peace about this decision for quite some time now, but every once in a while, that yearning for motherhood pushes it's way back to the front of the line and I get all crazy again and start doubting our decision to take a break from it all.

I've been struggling with that especially over the past couple of weeks and hearing this talk at Stake Conference was just what I needed. A gentle reminder of what I already know to be the right path for Ben and I at this time in our lives. I'm thankful for a Heavenly Father that knows me and understands when I need these reminders. I'm grateful to know that He does have a plan for us, and while the puzzle pieces may not be fitting how I want them to right at this particular time in my life, I know that if I trust in Him, the finished puzzle will be perfect and more glorious than I could ever achieve on my own.

Good news minute

As described in the post below, last night was a blast and totally worth the 3 hours of sleep(since I had to get up early to go the dentist and then my 6 week post-op)! Anyway, so everything went great at my post-op and I've got the green light to resume all my normal activities, including exercising- WOOHOO! I've missed my Wii-Fit & Pilates workouts. I'm ready to get out of these maternity pants and back in my regular clothes! (well... I have to admit, the no button/zipper thing rules about maternity pants, they are so comfy!) We'll see how my belly-button handles that, it is still pretty tender, so who knows... last time it took a good 2 months before I could squeeze back into my regular jeans without my belly-button screaming bloody murder...

However, I got some really great news from my doc on the way out... He noticed I was studying (for my "How Not To Kill Your Patients" oh, *ahem*... I mean Pharmacology class) and when he saw my book (I guess I hadn't mentioned going back to school?) and realized I'm going for my RN, he got really excited and told me that when I graduate, I should go work at Integris Baptist Hospital because... their benefits cover IVF!!! I just about crapped a brick when he told me about 2 of his patients (nurses that work at Baptist) that had most of their multiple IVF rounds paid for!!! *GASP!* Seriously, I think I must've said, "You've got to be kidding me!" about 4 times before I believed him. I almost started jumping up and down, for reals. He knew we had pretty much given up all hope of ever having biological children due to the insane costs of IVF, so he was really happy to see me get so excited.

Of course this is all quite a bit in the future, I still have to finish school and actually pass the NCLEX-RN! Not to mention being able to get a job at Integris! BUT, at least now there is still a teeny tiny little bit of hope left... hope that we had pretty much given up on due to expenses and my high risk. Who knows, this may not work out but its nice to at least have the option. Neither one of us has been feeling too excited about taking the adoption route, but we saw it as our only avenue. Now we may have a choice again... *sigh* WOW... that just feels so good to know.

Man... Harry Potter and hope for our reproductive woes all in the same day... WOOT! :)

These are a few of my faaaaavorite things...

I'm having a "sad day" and so I thought I'd cheer myself up with a few of my favorite things, like the song says to do, you know? So here goes, this is what I've spent most of today doing while trying to ignore the pain...

* Watching my pups sleep and have their cute little "puppymares", where they bark at their dream-land foes! (See previous post)

* Curl up with Edw-um... I mean the Twilight Series! ;)

* Play my newest GC game, "Paper Mario & The Thousand Year Door" (so much fun, highly reccommend it!)

* Baking my fave kind of bread (bannana, hold the nuts!), and enjoying the smell permeate my house, yuuuuuuuuuum!

Ahh, there is nothing like some warm comfort food to soothe the soul and aching tummy...and now "I don't feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel sooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!" ;)

It just never ends, does it?

I warn you ahead of time, before you read this all the way though... this is going to be one depressing post. So, if you're having a good day and don't want it marred... do not proceed. (I'd hate to kill anyone's buzz)

Two days ago a friend of mine had her entire universe come to a screeching halt in the most terrible of ways. After years and years of infertility, she finally was able to conceive though IVF. She was blessed with twins, and oh the joy that was felt to watch as her dreams came true and some of that awful heartache be healed. Every baby is a blessing and a miracle, but I can't help but be extra happy and amazed when they come to those close to me that have felt the pain, the struggles, the loneliness, and desperation that is infertility.

I said this post was going to be depressing... for this friend of mine has lost one of her precious miracles. She went in for her "big ultrasound" to find out the babies' genders and instead found out that one of them had passed. What was just 1 week earlier a strong heartbeat was now silent. A very active kicker, now still.

I have watched others go through this, and once again my heart breaks. These were not my babies, and while I cannot say I know what she is going through or that I know how she feels... in the kindred spirit sort of way, I ache for her and her loss in a way that even I can't fully comprehend and/or wrap my brain around.

It's times like these that I am ever so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and the comfort and assurances it brings to me. My friend is asking "Why her? Why now?" I do not know... Why would Heavenly Father take away one precious miracle after such a long, arduous road full of so much shattered hope and devestation? Yes, she has the one twin left, but this situation has put that surviving twin in a perilous spot, and what is 1 loss can quickly turn into 2. It makes me afraid to even (finally) get pregnant, because I think I would much rather not experience the joy of it at all, if it can be so swiftly taken away.

So many think that when you finally conceive and are happily on your way to motherhood, all the pain and scars of infertility are magically erased. What they fail to see is that we will never be free of it. Pregnancies are never more to be enjoyed in "ignorant bliss" like most women do because we know all too well the statistics and terrible "rare" things that can happen. (Case in point) It's almost as if infertility becomes a magnet for those "rare trajedies" because sadly enough they often seem to come hand in hand. As if the years of waiting and wanting, being poked and prodded, having what should be private and sacred reduced to a schedule on paper, and being pumped full of terrible drugs isn't enough... to then have your dreams come true and then taken away again just when you start feeling its ok to let your guard down... It's SO hard to be hopeful because self-preservation kicks in and you know you have to prepare, because at any moment your fragile little card castle can come tumbling down, with no rhyme or reason at all... it just can, and most likely will.

Again, pain is pain, and grief comes no matter what your faith or beliefs. I am grateful to know that little ones lost can and will be returned to us someday. I know that earthly trials and sorrows are but a fleeting moment and will someday become so for us, as we experience eternal joy and happiness. I know all these things both in my head and in my heart... but for now I grieve with my friend. I grieve for her pain, for a future that could be mine, and for the pain and horrible doubts something like this forces into each and every mind of one who has walked in these horrible shoes of infertility.

...Sometimes life just plain sucks.