Shriveled Up Mush

That is the current state of my brain.

I survived my first week at The Hartford, hooray! Days 1 & 2... and even 3 were not so bad, pretty pleasant, actually. Day 4 was when the freak-outs commenced. Today (day 5) I'm in full-fledged panic mode. My brain has been overloaded with so much stuff this week (particularly over the past 2 days) that I'm having a hard time believing that my head isn't going to blow up before my 3 1/2 month training is over. We start taking calls on Wed. and Thurs. and I am not lying when I say we are not anywhere even remotely close to being ready for that. As I was leaving today, I looked around and almost laughed because everyone pretty much had the same look on their face... deer in the headlights.

Normally, I would look forward to coming home and just relaxing in front of the TV or something, but alas... I have not the luxury. Foolish me decided NOW would be a good time to re-enter the world of academia and so I have 2 courses worth of assignments, papers, and tests to complete throughout the week. What was I thinking...*sigh* You know how they say that when you go a long time without eating your stomach "shrinks?" (I know that's not what actually happens, but its what it feels like) I wonder if the same concept applies to your brain... It's been so long since I was in a classroom setting learning environment, that it feels like my brain capacity has shriveled up! I'm having such a hard time coming home from 8 hours of cramming Hartford "stuff" and then having to spend another however many hours doing schoolwork. (Not to mention planning Seminary somewhere in there)

So here I am, wasting time because I have not the mental capacity to study for my test, right this minute. I guess I need to plan in some "decompression" time every night before I tackle the books?

Hmmm... maybe its time I revisited Forks. ;)

Goodbye... hello!

Welps, I survived my last week of training! Tomorrow I'll start some more training, only this time I'll be on the receiving end. I've got all my forms filled out, my clothes all ready and I'm trying to prepare my brain for the onslaught of insurance jargon.

After work on Friday, my co-workers and one of the doctors took me out to lunch at Olive Garden. It was fun spending a little more time together before leaving, and they were all sooooo nice and gave me all these wonderful gifts! Although I was only there for about 2 years, I have to say Bethany Eyecare has been my absolute favorite place I've ever worked. I'm going to miss everyone very very much! :(

So... Hartford, here I come! This week should be interesting. New job as well as 2 new classes I'm enrolled in. It feels good to be back in the academic swing of things though, I'm excited!

For the love, make it STOP!

So this is my last week at my current job, and if I make it to Friday it will be a miracle. Not to sound conceited, but I don't think I ever really realized just how much I do until I started training last week. I'm supposed to get this all transplanted into another brain in 2 weeks?!?! I myself was left to my own devices after 2 weeks when my trainer left unexpectedly and boy, that wasn't fun.

Determined to make the transition a bit easier for my replacement, I've been working on a manual for her. Each day I revise it, discovering I've forgotten something crucial. The beast continues to grow and grow and has pretty much taken over my life. For the past 3 nights I've actually dreamed about work, this manual, and insurance (the hundreds we file, each with a unique way of acquiring authorizations as well as filing methods) ALL NIGHT LONG and so it's just been a continuation of work all day and all night. Sure I get the occasional break (eating, getting up for Seminary, eating, getting up for Seminary, etc...) but I'm starting to go a little stir-crazy.

I will be really sad come Friday when I have to say goodbye to everyone at work, but I don't think I'll be able to get a decent night's rest until its all over. So... is it Friday yet?!?! *sigh*

I'm toxic... still.

It's been over three years since I was last able to donate blood. (I used to do so quite frequently, I have always loved it for some odd reason... Ben thinks I'm crazy) I couldn't donate because of all the hormones I was on while TTC, then because of my surgery, and then because of the Lupron (a chemo agent)! Last month I became eligible again (it takes 6 months for the Lupron to completely leave your system) and I've been soooooooooooo looking forward to today's blood drive at church!!! Finally, something my body could do correctly and make itself useful for, right?

So I get to church and start going through the paperwork as per usual. I get to the "deferal due to medications" section and there was Lupron, but no biggie right? It's been over 6 months, I'm set! My blood is clean and good to go! EXCEPT that right next to Lupron (it used to be the last one in that section) now was Aygestin... I just started taking Aygestin about 2 weeks ago because my prior Endo treatment plan was giving me horrendous migraines.

Apparently Aygestin is new to "the list." It's level of toxicity is equal to that of Lupron and means I have to wait until 6 months after my last dose before I am able to donate. I was soooooooooooooooooooooo MAD! I seriously went back to my car, texted Ben and cried all the way home. It was like Christmas being canceled...

I'm sure you are all thinking I'm crazy. Why get so worked up over not being able to go get poked by a needle and bleed into a bag for 7 minutes? Odd, I know. I guess it doesn't really make very much sense to anyone but me. Being able to donate again was one of the "bright sides" to having given up trying to have kids. It also meant my body was finally good at something again, and not a complete failure, like I often feel because of all the problems it gives me most of the time. It was my way of feeling "normal" again after 3 years of feeling anything but normal.

Oh well... I'm not sure how long I'll be on Aygestin (seeing as it is one of only 2 options for a long term Endo management plan) but until then OBI will not be wanting any of my blood. It's really too bad actually, since I've got O+ blood which is rather useful, but I guess not so much when it's all toxic and whatnot.

Maybe I should get a t-shirt with a biohazard symbol on it, lol.

So happy... so sad....

A few months ago I posted a rather depressing rant about the cruelty of infertility and child-loss. The friend I spoke of (who had after years and years of trying, finally conceived twins with the aid of IVF and then lost one) just had her beautiful baby girl! She survived the death of her twin at 20 weeks (this usually throws a woman into labor, causing the surviving twin to be born prematurely) and was carried full term even, truly a miracle given the situation. I am so beyond thrilled for her and her precious little one, it just made my whole day!

Then I found out(today as well) that another one of my TTC buddies who had also conceived (and given birth to) twins (one of whom was born with a condition called Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia) lost one of her precious miracles today. Gabby fought so long and hard and endured so much over the past few months... I admire the strength, courage, and unwavering faith Leslie has shown during what surely must be the darkest of times in her life. My heart breaks for her...she never really even got to hold her sweet baby because of the severity of her condition. I can't even begin to comprehend the pain they must be in right now.

I'm not really sure why I'm even posting this. I have nothing profound or anything of the sort to say. I guess I'm just trying to process it all and deal with the funk it's put me in. I still struggle to understand why someone who has already gone through so much has to have the added burden of losing their little miracles. I know its all part of the Plan and meant to test our faith etc etc. Nevertheless, it's still hard to wrap my mind around... Thank goodness for the gospel, and the knowledge that we can be families forever.

*sigh*

Death by migraine...

I've always been prone to migraines (runs in the family, boo!) but recently things have been getting a little out of control. When my Endo started flaring back up a few months ago, I started some new meds for it. I noticed that I started getting them more often, and over the past month especially, I've had at least 2-3 per week! Last weekend I spent mostly locked up indoors with a mask over my eyes and all windows/drapes shut tight because the light kills. This week I'm already on day 4 of a continual (there when I wake up, there when I go to sleep, still there when I wake up, etc.) never-ending migraine. I've been having to wear those oh-so-cute (not!) fitovers we give out at work when we dilate patients' eyes. I decided to call my doctor and see if maybe my meds had anything to do with this? (I can't believe it took me this long to realize that this could be the source of the increase in the horrible headaches, not only as far as frequency, but also severity and duration.) Of course, they had everything to do with it! I was told to STOP taking them immediately and was given something else instead.

Here I am 2 days later and still wanting to rip my head off. Last night certainly didn't help (hanging out with screaming Sooner fans) but I was hopeful the drug cocktail I took would get me through. It did eventually knock me out sometime in the 3rd quarter, I believe... I have no idea how long it will take for these stupid migraines to go away (especially since this new stuff I'm on is supposed to cause them too? Nice...) or at least get a little better, but I hope it's soon. For now I think I'll just pray for cloudy days and power outages... the dark is so much friendlier...