It just never ends, does it?

I warn you ahead of time, before you read this all the way though... this is going to be one depressing post. So, if you're having a good day and don't want it marred... do not proceed. (I'd hate to kill anyone's buzz)

Two days ago a friend of mine had her entire universe come to a screeching halt in the most terrible of ways. After years and years of infertility, she finally was able to conceive though IVF. She was blessed with twins, and oh the joy that was felt to watch as her dreams came true and some of that awful heartache be healed. Every baby is a blessing and a miracle, but I can't help but be extra happy and amazed when they come to those close to me that have felt the pain, the struggles, the loneliness, and desperation that is infertility.

I said this post was going to be depressing... for this friend of mine has lost one of her precious miracles. She went in for her "big ultrasound" to find out the babies' genders and instead found out that one of them had passed. What was just 1 week earlier a strong heartbeat was now silent. A very active kicker, now still.

I have watched others go through this, and once again my heart breaks. These were not my babies, and while I cannot say I know what she is going through or that I know how she feels... in the kindred spirit sort of way, I ache for her and her loss in a way that even I can't fully comprehend and/or wrap my brain around.

It's times like these that I am ever so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and the comfort and assurances it brings to me. My friend is asking "Why her? Why now?" I do not know... Why would Heavenly Father take away one precious miracle after such a long, arduous road full of so much shattered hope and devestation? Yes, she has the one twin left, but this situation has put that surviving twin in a perilous spot, and what is 1 loss can quickly turn into 2. It makes me afraid to even (finally) get pregnant, because I think I would much rather not experience the joy of it at all, if it can be so swiftly taken away.

So many think that when you finally conceive and are happily on your way to motherhood, all the pain and scars of infertility are magically erased. What they fail to see is that we will never be free of it. Pregnancies are never more to be enjoyed in "ignorant bliss" like most women do because we know all too well the statistics and terrible "rare" things that can happen. (Case in point) It's almost as if infertility becomes a magnet for those "rare trajedies" because sadly enough they often seem to come hand in hand. As if the years of waiting and wanting, being poked and prodded, having what should be private and sacred reduced to a schedule on paper, and being pumped full of terrible drugs isn't enough... to then have your dreams come true and then taken away again just when you start feeling its ok to let your guard down... It's SO hard to be hopeful because self-preservation kicks in and you know you have to prepare, because at any moment your fragile little card castle can come tumbling down, with no rhyme or reason at all... it just can, and most likely will.

Again, pain is pain, and grief comes no matter what your faith or beliefs. I am grateful to know that little ones lost can and will be returned to us someday. I know that earthly trials and sorrows are but a fleeting moment and will someday become so for us, as we experience eternal joy and happiness. I know all these things both in my head and in my heart... but for now I grieve with my friend. I grieve for her pain, for a future that could be mine, and for the pain and horrible doubts something like this forces into each and every mind of one who has walked in these horrible shoes of infertility.

...Sometimes life just plain sucks.