This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and because this topic is near and dear to my heart (also because I have been a slacker with my blogging since the start of the semester) I thought I'd share some thoughts.
First off, I'd like to address one of the most prevalent (and annoying) infertility myths... I'm sure you've probably heard it and maybe even uttered it before:
"If you just relax, you will get pregnant!"
According to Dr.Alice D.Domar of
RESOLVE,
"If only it were that easy! The fact is, the vast majority of individuals who have infertility have a medical reason, not a stress-related one. Upwards of 90% of all infertility cases are caused by physical problems. In the female partner, the major causes of infertility are absent or irregular ovulation, blocked fallopian tubes, abnormalities in the uterus, and Endometriosis (a chronic painful condition where tissue from the lining of the uterus migrates into the pelvis and attaches to the reproductive organs). The male partner can have issues with sperm production which can lead to too few sperm, sperm which can’t swim correctly, and abnormally shaped sperm.
Where the stress/infertility connection may come in tends to be after one has been trying for a while, and the stress of not conceiving easily may then contribute to the problem. But there has never been a study which shows that simply relaxing increases pregnancy rates."
While I have heard quite a few other doozies, this one absolutely wins the "Say that to me one more time and I will punch you in the face!"-award. Let me tell you why. It implies that we don't know what we are doing (or our very expensive doctors for that matter) which in turn implies that our childlessness is somehow our fault, because come on... if you haven't gotten pregnant yet, you MUST be doing something wrong right? WRONG! See the above quoted paragraph.
In my case, I have Stage 4 Endometriosis and PCOS, so no amount of relaxing is ever going to fix my innards and undo the damage of almost 20 years of built up scar tissue. It's like telling someone that's lost a limb, "If you just relax and quit trying so hard, it'll grow back!" You see what I mean about the punch you in the face thing? Now, before you start telling me about your friend that tried and tried and couldn't get pregnant for like 6 months (oh the HORROR, what an agonizing wait!!!) but then she stopped trying so hard and *POOF* she got pregnant the next month... Yeah, I've heard the story. Please bear in mind that those stories are usually the exception, not the rule- especially when dealing with true, diagnosed infertility. Trust me, for every woman that got pregnant after taking a cycle off, there are hundreds of us that were not so lucky. So yeah... it's annoying and hurtful, and more often than not completely erroneous... so don't say it... to anyone... ever. And if you do and they punch you in the face, don't say I didn't warn you! :)
Now, for all my LDS peeps out there... I will modify the above myth to one that is bandied about church all too often... and
yes, I say this from first hand experience. It comes in many shapes and forms, sometimes spoken outright but often times implied...
" If you just had more faith/lived more righteously, you would be blessed with a child." Oh how that raises my hackles! I don't think very many people mean for it to come out that way, but it does... and it's one of the most hurtful things one could say/imply (intentionally or not) to a couple that is doing their best and for whatever reason cannot conceive. Obviously family is a big deal to us Latter Day Saints, and while there is nothing doctrinal about those with bigger families being better/more righteous than others, there is certainly that Mormon Culture stigma. Now imagine, if you will, having to deal with all the insecurities and pain that the non-spiritual aspects of infertility brings and then tack onto that being made to feel less worthy or somehow undeserving of Heavenly Father's blessing of motherhood/fatherhood. That right there has been, for me, the most painful and soul-crushing part of my struggle with infertility. First feeling like a failure because my body refuses to do one of the most amazing and miraculous things for which it was created to do. Then the feelings of doubt and wondering what I must have done to make God not trust me with a child when every day scores of babies are born to abusive and neglecting homes. I know I would make mistakes, but would I really be worse of a mother than
them? These are the deep, dark, ugly spiritual corners infertility makes you face.
Now, the truth of the matter is that NO, of course being infertile does not make you any less valuable/loved in the sight of Heavenly Father. It took me years to finally truly KNOW that even though I thought I knew it all along. And no, of course we did nothing to deserve this, just like the Savior taught in
John 9:1-3 :
1 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was a from his birth. 2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this a, or his parents, that he was born blind? 3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the a of God should be made b in him.
While infertility has been the biggest trial of my life thusfar, it has also been one of my biggest blessings. I have been humbled over and over and have had to grapple with so many personal demons. It has only been through the healing power of the Atonement of Christ that I have been able to face and deal with it all. I have come to accept that DUH... bad things just happen to good people sometimes (and vice verse) but that God never leaves us comfortless in these trials. I have been stretched uncomfortably over the years, but I know that it is His will and His way of preparing me for greater things than I can even begin to comprehend. I am grateful for the Gospel in my life, and the peace it brings me when nothing else can calm my fears and quench the yearning of empty arms. This month's Ensign has a wonderful article on infertility and faith, check it out
here!
Now, I know what you are all wondering after all those warm and fuzzies... Do I still have my bad days? Yes. Do I still (inwardly) roll my eyes at pregnant women complaining about all those aches and pains and projectile vomits that I would literally chew my limbs off for? Absolutely! Do I even sometimes still have to supress the urge to punch someone in the face when they speak without first thinking? ALL the time... but at least I don't, right? That's gotta count for something! ;)
To learn more about infertility, click
here.
To learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week, click
here.
PS> If you made it this far, cuddos and thanks, it means a great deal to me! :)
