Mythbusters... Infertility style!

 

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and because this topic is near and dear to my heart (also because I have been a slacker with my blogging since the start of the semester) I thought I'd share some thoughts.

First off, I'd like to address one of the most prevalent (and annoying) infertility myths... I'm sure you've probably heard it and maybe even uttered it before: "If you just relax, you will get pregnant!"

According to Dr.Alice D.Domar of RESOLVE,  
"If only it were that easy! The fact is, the vast majority of individuals who have infertility have a medical reason, not a stress-related one. Upwards of 90% of all infertility cases are caused by physical problems.  In the female partner, the major causes of infertility are absent or irregular ovulation, blocked fallopian tubes, abnormalities in the uterus, and Endometriosis (a chronic painful condition where tissue from the lining of the uterus migrates into the pelvis and attaches to the reproductive organs).  The male partner can have issues with sperm production which can lead to too few sperm, sperm which can’t swim correctly, and abnormally shaped sperm. 
Where the stress/infertility connection may come in tends to be after one has been trying for a while, and the stress of not conceiving easily may then contribute to the problem. But there has never been a study which shows that simply relaxing increases pregnancy rates."

While I have heard quite a few other doozies, this one absolutely wins the "Say that to me one more time and I will punch you in the face!"-award. Let me tell you why. It implies that we don't know what we are doing (or our very expensive doctors for that matter) which in turn implies that our childlessness is somehow our fault, because come on... if you haven't gotten pregnant yet, you MUST be doing something wrong right? WRONG! See the above quoted paragraph.  
 In my case, I have Stage 4 Endometriosis and PCOS, so no amount of relaxing is ever going to fix my innards and undo the damage of almost 20 years of built up scar tissue. It's like telling someone that's lost a limb, "If you just relax and quit trying so hard, it'll grow back!"  You see what I mean about the punch you in the face thing? Now, before you start telling me about your friend that tried and tried and couldn't get pregnant for like 6 months (oh the HORROR, what an agonizing wait!!!) but then she stopped trying so hard and *POOF* she got pregnant the next month... Yeah, I've heard the story. Please bear in mind that those stories are usually the exception, not the rule- especially when dealing with true, diagnosed infertility. Trust me, for every woman that got pregnant after taking a cycle off, there are hundreds of us that were not so lucky. So yeah... it's annoying and hurtful, and more often than not completely erroneous... so don't say it... to anyone... ever. And if you do and they punch you in the face, don't say I didn't warn you! :)

Now, for all my LDS peeps out there... I will modify the above myth to one that is bandied about church all too often... and yes, I say this from first hand experience. It comes in many shapes and forms, sometimes spoken outright but often times implied... " If you just had more faith/lived more righteously, you would be blessed with a child." Oh how that raises my hackles! I don't think very many people mean for it to come out that way, but it does... and it's one of the most hurtful things one could say/imply (intentionally or not) to a couple that is doing their best and for whatever reason cannot conceive. Obviously family is a big deal to us Latter Day Saints, and while there is nothing doctrinal about those with bigger families being better/more righteous than others, there is certainly that Mormon Culture stigma. Now imagine, if you will, having to deal with all the insecurities and pain that the non-spiritual aspects of infertility brings and then tack onto that being made to feel less worthy or somehow undeserving of Heavenly Father's blessing of motherhood/fatherhood. That right there has been, for me, the most painful and soul-crushing part of my struggle with infertility. First feeling like a failure because my body refuses to do one of the most amazing and miraculous things for which it was created to do. Then the feelings of doubt and wondering what I must have done to make God not trust me with a child when every day scores of babies are born to abusive and neglecting homes. I know I would make mistakes, but would I really be worse of a mother than them? These are the deep, dark, ugly spiritual corners infertility makes you face.

Now, the truth of the matter is that NO, of course being infertile does not make you any less valuable/loved in the sight of Heavenly Father. It took me years to finally truly KNOW that even though I thought I knew it all along. And no, of course we did nothing to deserve this, just like the Savior taught in John 9:1-3 :

 1  And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was ^ablind from his birth.

 2  And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this ^aman, or his parents, that he was born blind?

3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the ^aworks of God should be  made ^bmanifest in him.  

While infertility has been the biggest trial of my life thusfar, it has also been one of my biggest blessings. I have been humbled over and over and have had to grapple with so many personal demons. It has only been through the healing power of the Atonement of Christ that I have been able to face and deal with it all. I have come to accept that DUH... bad things just happen to good people sometimes (and vice verse) but that God never leaves us comfortless in these trials. I have been stretched uncomfortably over the years, but I know that it is His will and His way of preparing me for greater things than I can even begin to comprehend. I am grateful for the Gospel in my life, and the peace it brings me when nothing else can calm my fears and quench the yearning of empty arms. This month's Ensign has a wonderful article on infertility and faith, check it out here!

Now, I know what you are all wondering after all those warm and fuzzies... Do I still have my bad days? Yes. Do I still (inwardly) roll my eyes at pregnant women complaining about all those aches and pains and projectile vomits that I would literally chew my limbs off for? Absolutely! Do I even sometimes still have to supress the urge to punch someone in the face when they speak without first thinking? ALL the time... but at least I don't, right? That's gotta count for something! ;) 

To learn more about infertility, click here.

To learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week, click here.


PS> If you made it this far, cuddos and thanks, it means a great deal to me! :)

It's a hard knock life...

... for Sirius! :(

 "I hate my life..."

OUCH!

Our poor Blubbers had to have surgery today :(   He's had a cyst in his leg for a while that would go away and then come back, get infected and have to be drained... over and over. A few weeks ago it got so bad his whole leg swelled up and it was awful! He had to be put on antibiotics (for the gazillionth time) until it cleared up because the infection had spread and surgery was not an option until it was under control. Since he was going to go under for the procedure, we decided to get his teeth cleaned and have him microchipped while they were at it... Hooray for tax returns! :)

So now he's got a 2+ inch gash on his poor little hind leg, a sore mouth, and back to boot!  We'll go back in 2 weeks to get all his stitches removed but in the meanwhile he's got pain meds and  the dreaded cone of shame! He is looking at me with his sad little eyes as I sit here typing. Poor bubs!

All together now!

We had our first couple of Tornado Warnings in the state yesterday afternoon, so I guess it's official... Tornado Season is here ladies and gents! And what better way to kick off this season of death and destruction than with a little (Primary) song? Back for it's 4th year, I present to you...

I looked out the window and what did I see?

Great big tornadoes coming to destroy me!

Spring has brought me such a bad surprise,

Great big tornadoes right before my eyes!

I can go and hide in my "safe" bathroom,

But if its an F5 I'll be dead soon!

I wish it weren't so, but it seems to me,

Great big tornadoes coming to destroy me!

Ahhh, now I am ready! ;)

Snow day?!?! ... yeah, right!

After weeks of watching home (NYC) get pummeled time and time again with all those snowstorms and wishing I were there to play in it, I finally got my wish today! We just ourselves a nice little blizzard! We only got 12" but because of the 40-50mph winds, there are snow drifts out there that are 3-5 ft tall. Awe-some, right? Well, unfortunately when you work in a hospital, it doesn't matter how much snow is on the ground, no snowday for you!!! If people tried calling in (and many did), they were just told to sit tight and expect to be picked up. Ben asked me this morning if I was sure I didn't want to reconsider my profession!

My wonderful hubby drove me to and from, which was really nice since we got stuck several times both ways. Our little Ford Focus is great on gas mileage but for plowing through that much snow? Yeah... not so much! It took 45 minutes to drive 3 miles and Ben had to push the car about half the time, poor guy! As we were pulling into the parking lot (at home) this afternoon, we got stuck in a 3ft snow drift that had newly formed (it wasn't there when he left to go get me). He got the shovel and started digging us out but 15 minutes later Fred hadn't budged one bit. Fortunately a guy driving by in an Arctic Cat ATV came to our rescue and pulled us out, it was awesome! He told Ben he was bored at home and decided to go out looking for stranded people to help. How nice is that? Dude's gonna get some serious blessings! :)

So... thankfully I am back home safe and sound and contemplating playing in the snow some before it gets dark but... well, with it only being  9* outside... yeah, I don't know. I would be content with just curling up with a bit of hot chocolate but seeing as I just started the South Beach diet again 2 days ago, that's a big no-no... ARGH. My birthday is in 2 days and I foresee a bit of fudging going on there so I wonder if I should just cut my losses now and indulge...

And now,  for your viewing pleasure, here are some limited shots of this lovely storm! 

This is what we woke up to at 6am

This is after we got Fred (and us) safely back home!

Mini trying to find a spot to take care of business...

Sirius venturing out to join her.

Surviving my first FESI

I've been a bad blogger lately... mostly due to the monotony in my life: work, PT, back pain, work, PT, back pain... you get the picture. Anyway, yesterday was my first eventful happenstance of the new year, so I thought I would share. Ready? It's going to be fantabulously boring, I promise!

So I was referred to a spinal surgeon last month because PT has not been doing much for my back problems. The new doc gave me some pretty grim news.... There isn't much that can be done other than surgery (but he doesn't recommend that until I can absolutely no longer keep functioning without it because we're taking about a level 2 fusion, i.e removing my L4/5 and L5/S1 discs and fusing them with a bone graft) or just plain old pain management... which up until now has consisted of PT (not working) and drugs that tear up my stomach and/or can only be taken at night because they knock me out, yet leave me in oodles of pain all day at school/work. AWESOME.

He did however, mention one more thing we could try, a Fluoroscopic Epidural Steroid Injection (FESI). While not permanent fixes, these can sometimes provide a few weeks to months to years of pain relief IF they work. It's not a given that they will, but always worth a shot... especially when faced with my options. So we set up that appointment and off I went on my merry (or not so merry, depending on the day) way.

Yesterday was the day. I've had cortisone injections in my foot before and they were pretty unpleasant experiences... My back pain is of the nature that besides the radiating pain/numbness/burning down my right leg, I also have some REALLY sensitive spots that can barely be touched without me howling in pain. Guess where the big bad ESI needle was going to be placed? Oh yeah... at the trigger points of my L4/5 and L5/S1 discs. That combined with my prior knowledge of what my foot steroid injection felt like (it hurt... bad) well, let's just say I wasn't the calmest person in the prep-room. Sedation is recommended for this procedure but still the patient's choice, so when they said my heart rate (in the 140's) and BP ( I never saw) was really up they highly suggested that I let the doc give me some Versed. I happily said, "Yes please!" :)

They got me set up on my tummy, hooked me to a vitals machine, and then went back and forth for a few minutes about how to prep me (antiseptically) because I'm allergic to Iodine and Chlorhexidine, as discovered after each of my Endo surgeries. In the end they went with the Chlorhexidine because he was already going to inject me with Iodine contrast dye (for which I had been given Prednisone and Benadryl to take starting 13 hrs previously) and promised to wipe it all off with alcohol in the end. I was cool with that. Better a rash than an infection, in my book. So after I was washed and prepped, the lovely Versed was pushed through my IV port and within seconds I was happily drooling on my pillow and slurring my words. It did not knock me out though, I can remember everything. However, it mellowed me out just enough to where I could still answer questions (He had to make sure he was in the right spot and whether or not I felt pain was the indicator, so I had to be able to speak) but was not all tensed up. The worst part was the numbing, honestly. That burned like the dickens, but was over with rather quickly. I then felt a series of clicks and increasing pressure as he slowly inserted the needle while checking its placement with the dye on the Fluoroscope (Xray machine). Uncomfortable but not painful, per say. Once he was satisfied with the placement (that took a few minutes) he told me he would be injecting the steroid solution and asked me to confirm it I felt any pain going down my leg. I did. Bingo! Then he readjusted the needle and tried another spot. Pain? Yup! Bingo again! More steroid solution went in.  Then there was the sudden release of pressure and they were swabbing me down with alcohol, slapped a band-aid on and it was all over. Seriously? That was it? Yup, that was it. From start to finish the whole thing took about 10 minutes. Not bad. I was pleasantly surprised.

They then wheeled me out to the recovery room where they monitored my vitals for 30 minutes, made sure I wasn't having a reaction to the Iodine, gave me some Sprite and crackers and I was good to go! I was still quite unsteady from the Versed so Ben helped me get dressed, and they wheeled me out to the car and that was that! We got some food on the way home because I was starving since I'd been NPO (nothing to eat/drink) for the procedure, which wasn't over until about 3:30. By the time we got home though, the local was wearing off and I was starting to hurt. Things kinda went downhill after that and I got the shakes really bad for a few hours every time I stood up and tried to move. I guess that's normal but Ben was freaking out that I was maybe having seizures, LOL. In the end, because I was so uncomfortable on the couch (too low) and couldn't quite make it up the stairs, we decided to take up my mother-in-law's offer to come over and have me rest there for a few hours. Best decision ever, thanks Erlene & Mike! I was hurting so bad at that point (this was normal though, my doc warned me that the pain would get 10x's worse for a few days before it got better... same thing happened with my foot) that I went ahead and took my pain meds and muscle relaxant, though I was a bit worried about what that would do on top of all that Benadryl  and Versed in my system. The Nursing student in me kept freaking out about my heart rate  and respiration dropping too low, so as I lay on my lovely ice pack on Mike & Erlene's super comfy high bed, I kept taking my pulse every 30 minutes or so between brief catnaps. Obsessive, I know... but I do this at work with all my patients so it's just kind of ingrained. My normal resting HR is in the mid 80's to 90's. It got as low as 52, which isn't horribly bad but I kept checking  until it was back in the high 70's. At that point I let myself relax a bit more and finally fell asleep for a few hours. Paranoid? Absolutely. :)

Today I feel a bit better. I still hurt worse than normal, but not as bad as yesterday/last night... thank goodness! The shakes are gone, so that's nice too. Doc said to take it easy the next 2-3 days, take my pain meds on schedule, and ice ice baby! Oh how I  love my ice pack!!!

That's it I guess. What a way to start the new year, but hopefully it will prove to be helpful. I guess only time will tell. However, if I do need to have a 2nd or 3rd, at least I now know that it's not that bad. I guess it didn't help that on Thursday I spoke with someone who had just had this done and said it was the most excruciatingly painful 20 minutes of her life... she was not offered sedation. So yeah, I was totally freaked out. Thankfully, my experience was nothing like hers! So to all my readers (well... to all, what... like 3 of you? LOL) if you ever have to have this done, ask for sedation!!! Well, if you're a weenie like me ;)

PS> if you actually made it to the end, you deserve a medal... knuckles!